Why Relationships and Independent Experiences are NOT Mutually Exclusive
I came across this article the other day that made me say YES, THANK YOU! Finally, someone else understands. The author describes her frustration with the common viewpoint that it’s impossible to travel alone without inviting infidelity into your relationship, and I whole-heartedly agree with her.
Contrary to popular opinion, traveling or living abroad and being in a happy, monogamous relationship are NOT mutually exclusive. Yes, it has been very difficult being thousands of miles away from the one I love, but it’s been worth it for all that I’ve learned and how much I’ve grown as a person. I’ve had more than a few critics and skeptics, both at home and here in Argentina, and it’s discouraging that so many people misunderstand and react judgmentally.
Traveling abroad solo is NOT always about intrigue and torrid affairs. It’s about challenging yourself, growing as an individual, getting out of your comfort zone, and discovering what you love about you.
Having been in a relationship for six years, starting at the age of 19, in some ways I felt that I hadn’t yet really experienced “grown-up” life without my boyfriend by my side, and it was important for me to know what it’s like to navigate the world on my own. In addition to the fact that coming to Argentina to teach English for a year was a very positive way for me to gain career experience, it was also an important step for me to take in terms of self-discovery and feeling comfortable as an independent individual.
However, it would have been completely insane to throw away an amazing relationship for the sake of my travels, or vice-versa. I knew I would regret it if I gave up this important personal experience for the sake of avoiding the challenges that come with being long-distance. So why not do both? It is, in fact, possible.
When we think of solo travel, we imagine what we see in movies or read in romance and adventure novels. Staying in beautiful villas or cool hostels, meeting sexy, exciting people from all over the world, riding a moped around a city bathed in golden sunset light, staying out all night dancing, etc. These are what we tend to picture. But the realities are often much different.
We don’t think about the feeling of empty dread in the pit of your stomach when you’re sitting alone on the plane, thinking “What the hell did I sign myself up for?” Or when you arrive in your new city and have to figure out how to get where you’re going, all in a new language. Or when you arrive at your new apartment and put your stuff away, only to realize, “Wow, I really am all alone here.” Or when you’ve been in a new city for a month, but still haven’t made any real friends. How you cope in those situations is what really makes the experience. It’s hard as hell, and often really not fun at all, but you learn a heck of a lot about yourself and about the realities of the world.
You may go out dancing a few times, which, yes, is fun. But the appeal of foreign clubs dwindles quickly when you realize that you’re surrounded by aggressive men who don’t give a shit if you have a boyfriend or not, the vast majority of which are far less charming and far more creeptastic than Javier Bardem or Hugh Grant would have you believe. After one wasted Sunday spent sleeping and reflecting on the fact that you felt more uncomfortable than carefree being in da club til 7AM, cooking dinner with friends and some wine is much more likely to become your Saturday night routine. (Or staying in and watching Netflix on your laptop alone…did I mention it’s pretty hard to make actual friends in a different country?)
The point is, what people picture when you tell them you’re going abroad solo and what you end up actually doing are very, very different.
If your relationship is worth it, it will be solid and filled with enough trust, respect and mutual understanding to withstand long periods of time apart. If it’s not, then yes, it could be better to break up and take on your adventures once you’re single. But if you have an important relationship, why can’t you have your individual experiences and maintain your bond, as well? It really doesn’t have to be one or the other.
I have met lots of people (mainly women), who have told me that they wish they could or would have done some independent travel of their own, but their boyfriend wouldn’t “let” them, or they didn’t want to be away from their significant other that long. I’m not saying it’s easy by any means, and it’s not for everyone. But if self-discovery and having independent experiences is important to you, and your mate is the right person for you, they will understand and be happy for you. And there’s no reason why you can’t do it.
There will always be that distant aunt who has no idea where you’re going and what you’re doing. Surely, she’s picturing you dancing the night away in a short red dress in Ibiza or something rather than living frugally, working with kids, and being lonely but learning a whole lot about the world. And surely, she and others will make snarky comments to you and your significant other about how they’re being played for a fool or how they’re sure to leave you while you’re away. But the important thing is that you and your significant other know and trust each other well enough to know that that couldn’t be farther from the truth. If that’s the case, you will emerge on the other side with a bond that is stronger than ever as a result of, rather than in spite of, your adventure.
In the words of Kenny G, don’t let the haters stop you from doing your thang. We are young, and have plenty of time to settle down. Experience life, but don’t throw away a good relationship for the sake of doing so. If you put in the work, you really can have both.
anaventurera 